Category: Relationships


Communication is the key to a successful marriage.  I have heard this statement a ton of times and I admit that statement was going to be the easiest part of the marriage in my mind.  Why?  Because I talk a lot, but I also pride myself in listening well too.  Yet I think that statement should be expanded upon.  “Having the RIGHT type of Communication is the key to a successful marriage.”

Being a newlywed, I’m experiencing all the bliss and the thrills, but now that we are settling in, the language and form in which we speak is starting to change.  Rather my wife’s language is changing and I need to get with the progress.  When I say the “right type” I mean tackling the uncomfortable conversations on a weekly basis.  The usual weekly meetings should be about:

1.  Finance/Credit/Budget/Savings

2.  Sex and Relating/Romance

3.  What bothers or upsets you

4.  What makes you happy

These are some of the most uncomfortable convos to have, but if you can bare through it, it is worth it.  I just find that it is weird discussing, what we are doing with OUR (because I want to say MY) money.  It doesn’t help the situation when you have a bender and spend $200 at a bar.  In a marriage you have to admit mistakes and be open even when you know it will be a lot of disappointed looks and you will feel embarrassed, because you let impulse enjoyment set us back financially.  Also these weekly discussions should focus on reestablishing a budget and sticking to it.  Questions should be “How much do you really need in an entertainment fund a month?”  “Do we really need the deluxe package of cable?”  “Is having ______ going to impact your happiness and enjoyment aka is it worth it?”, “Lets look at what we have both spent and see where we can cut (gas, haircuts, fast food, everything should be listed, if you spend it list it)?”,  “How much can we save (because you should always pay yourself first)?”  Fellas and ladies, have these convos and be open and honest.  I have hid CC bills in hope to pay them off before it was noticed.  I have purchased things under the table and tried to maneuver money around to get the item or items of my desire.  At the end of the day the sneakiness and mistrust is not worth it.

Lets talk about sex.  Now this can make the women gun shy, especially if the sex life is not where they want it to be.  Either it can be to much, not enough, wanting more stimulation, more foreplay, or just plan out more romance.  These are things that both parties have to be on board for.  Remember in these conversations to be very thick skinned with honesty, because most men are very sensitive about how they’re “laying it down”.  I went through a stage where I was working a lot, and on my off day I spent it with our daughter and I started to neglect my wife’s needs.  When she approached me about it I went on the defensive.  I couldn’t understand how this woman I love couldn’t see all the work I was doing, all the pressure I was under, and just how tired I was from working so much.  I looked at it as she was being selfish and very unthoughtful.  Until I was told by one of my best friends that I need to see it from her side.  She works too, she is tired, she is with our daughter all day while I’m away, and when I get home I’m probably neglecting her or not giving her a portion of my time.  Along with all that, she has needs too (hard to believe women have needs right 1959), just like my job, just like my daughter, and just like me.  So the advice was treat our sex/relating life as if it is a job.  In the sense of make time for it, prepare for it, make it an essential or necessity.  I wouldn’t miss work because I was tired?  I wouldn’t play with our daughter because I was tired?  So why would I not be intimate because I’m tired?  So you find the energy and I kind of realized it is like the gym.  You know how you don’t want to go to the gym, but once your in there (pun intended) you are glad you…  came! (Kind of gross but intended).

Number 3, is usually hard for the woman to take or understand.  WHAT BOTHERS ME!  Now in my recent history usually what bothers my wife is me not helping enough around the house.  Or me leaving my clothes in the living room and not taking it to the bedroom.  Now in my logic I’m probably going to re wear those clothes or I’m separating them for the washing machine.  Regardless of my reasoning, just take the damn clothes to the bedroom.  Simple fix!  I feel that sometimes women take it harder when guys mention things that bother them.  I know ladies, you think, change that know, you are absolutely perfect in our eyes and yes you are (hey I learned from “White Man Can’t Jump” listen to the woman), but sometimes simple things like not putting toilet paper on the roll after using it all bothers me.  Drinking out of my cup or eating food off my plate without asking, bothers me.  The exchange of these comments will foster a respect and a better relationship.  Also this allows both parties to try and eliminate issues in a productive and non confrontational way.

Lastly on to the bliss!  What is better than sitting there and hearing the love of your life tell you how great you are.  How great of a father you are.  How she loves when you hold her.  Also men this is an open forum to express our true feelings about our wife.  Sometimes its tough to let the guard down and say what your thinking and feeling, but this is the moment and you wont be judged for it.  Enjoy this moment, because you will spend the next week trying to work on numbers 1-3 and that will be difficult.

Now I’m not saying you can’t talk about these things throughout the week, and you should.  Reminding your life partner about things we both agreed to work on throughout the week is fine, your developing new habits to love each other better.  I’m only 4 months into this marriage game, and I still slip and fall.  Everyday is an exciting challenge in learning each other and what we can do to grow as a family.  Again the best advice I can give is communicate about the RIGHT things, because asking how your day was everyday, and saying “Hey I’m going out” is not going to cut it.  Details and subject matter can take your relationship/marriage from confusion and mistrust to openness and honesty.

Written by:

Jason "Big J" Allen  @UnsportsmenBigJ

Jason “Big J” Allen
@UnsportsmenBigJ

What do you think about my topics of communication?  Have I missed any?  Comment below

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The “Friendzone” and Why You Should Shut The Fuck Up About it

     We’ve all been there am I right?  You’ve been so considerate to a girl, you’ve listened to her problems, given her all your best advice, you’ve really put yourself out there for her all to hear the dreaded words, “Let’s just be friends.”.  Oh no! You’ve been friend-zoned! How could she?! That bitch!

     Oh the friend-zone. The purgatory “nice guys” are doomed to live in because a woman has failed to see his true potential as a mate. Here is a huge wake up call for you “nice” guys out there.  The term “friend-zone” is gross.  It implies that the only reason for your pursuit of a woman’s friendship is to get laid, or start a romantic relationship (that will ultimately end in getting laid).  Feigning friendship in order to get laid is disgusting, and women don’t owe you shit. You should be nice and respectful to women (and everyone else you encounter) because that’s the right thing to do, not because you think you will be rewarded.  Women are human beings (just like you!) and their feelings are valid.  If a girl doesn’t want to pursue a romantic or sexual relationship with you it doesn’t make her a “bitch” it makes her a person with feelings and free will.  Women are not slot machines you can just feed “nice coins” into and watch as sex falls out.  Perhaps you should think about what kind of “nice guy” you are if you would go to such lengths as to fake a friendship just to get into someone’s pants. Or hey, maybe you really liked her and she didn’t reciprocate, that’s a bummer, unrequited love is never fun.

     There are a slew of reasons why she may not have wanted to be involved in anything other than a friendship.  Maybe she just isn’t physically attracted to you, maybe you’re on different levels spiritually or intellectually, whatever the reason is it certainly doesn’t make her the bad guy for not wanting to take your relationship to the next level and it also doesn’t mean that she has intentionally placed you in a proverbial “zone”.  It just means she’s not into you.  Fortunately, all is not lost.  There are ways you can fix this.  Form a friendship with a woman– a real friendship.  Look past the breasts and realize that these women (even the ones you want to fuck) have thoughts, ambitions, fears, and feelings just like you.  They are not sexual objects but complex and diverse individuals.  Look at the world around you.  If you are genuine and sincere about your feelings, chances are, you will find a girl who wants to be in a romantic/sexual relationship.  

     Playing the “nice guy” just to get laid will probably continue to end in rejection.  And it should.  The “friend-zone” isn’t real fellas, it is misogynistic bullshit you have created to make yourself feel better when a woman rejects your advances.  My friendship is not some shitty consolation prize you get instead of sex.  If you’re so infuriated about the fact that you were nice to some girl, and pretended to listen and care about her life, and she didn’t even reward you by letting you see her naked then you probably aren’t mature enough to be having sex anyway.

Written By:  Billy Barkofsky-Thompson, a girl that “friend zoned” me without me knowing it (and has loved every minute of it).  All because I turned on Scooby-Doo at a Bar instead of Football.

So fellas and ladies what do you think?  Don’t hesitate to leave comments, debate is the best way to educate.

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