I’m currently sitting in a rain delay waiting for the Braves and Nationals game to start. Sitting here reminded me that I have TMNT review to write. (Please excuse the more the normal grammar and spelling errors, I’m tying from an iPhone).  This was the hardest movie for me to review because everything I hated about it turned into liking about it.  So yes spoilers will be involved.

All in all I enjoyed the movie but it is not a good movie by any means.  It just awakened the 7-12 year old Jason and stuffed so much Turtle Power down my movie watching throat until I was brainwashed into liking it.  Here is a list of things I hated that eventually won me over:

1. The turtles being HUGE and not average height or shorter.

I hated this because here is no such thing as 6 feet plus ninjas, they couldn’t be stealth and everyone would see them.  But I was won over when they made them SUPER strong and just pure destructive.  Yes they had stealth moments but once in the light they fucked some shit up ( Thank you Michael Bay).

2.  Is this office space because they sure do have a lot of flair.

I had a problem with all the extra the turtles were packing.  Calm down ladies I just mean that the turtles all had their very own individual look beside their color coordinated mask bandanas.  Leo is dressed like a samurai with New York hint. Ralph could be a bad boy biker, Mikey straight hippie surfer teen, and Donnie your standard geeky/ nerd cliche.   This all worked because it fit their personalities but on a deeper level most brothers are completely different and want to forge their own identity outside of what their brothers are.  The extra personality is a good change that makes each character a bit more interesting.

3.  How Splinter learned ninjutsu and thus how the turtles learned to fight.

A fucking BOOK! You have to be kidding me.  These bad ass Mutated animals were taught how to whip ass by a disregarded ninjutsu book in the sewer.  Then I brought into it because these turtles were sloppy and really not that good of fighters.  It made them vulnerable, but what they lacked in skill was made up by pure brutal strength and force.

4.  The Shredder!!!!

He didn’t do much but put on a suit of robotic armor and be a bad ass.  Shredder the guy I know has real issues and in himself was a very deep and fleshed out character.  Here he was nothin more than a reason to beat the crap out of the turtles.  This again I hated but accepted because this movie is about the Turtles and their growth and adaption into society and another reason I accepted this I will reveal later.

These things are the bulk of the movie but again the despicable Bay force fed me this until I tapped out and accepted it as what it is.  Yet here were other things that I simple couldn’t accept that left me hanging.

1.  April O’neil’s dumb ass connection to the turtles.

You should have stuck to the aliens rather than mutants idea Bay because this idea of connecting April and the Turtles was just terrible.

2.  The Shredder and Splinter having no connection

This relationship is what the whole Series is built on.  Either go with Shredder killing Splinter’s master and the pet rat becoming mutated or go with Shredder killing Splinters family and eventually being mutated, either way create some way they are connected and make it work.  This also why I didn’t have a problem with the Shredder having no personality because there was no back story to connect to that would need Shredder to be more than a brute.

3.  No emotional connection to the turtles.

It’s a Michael Bay film so as you expected no emotional or character development.  We are invested because of our inner child not because we give a shit about THESE  turtles. I never on e felt bad or invested into the happenings of the turtles and their father Splinter no matter how many times they yell or scream with emotion.  I was just waiting for the next funny line or kick ass action sequence.

All in all if you can deal with the below average was of this movie and let your inner child come out and suspend your inner common sense and storytelling knowledge you will enjoy this film.  This movie is like having a one night stand and trying to make it work to not feel slutty. In the end you accept you and the girl are sluts.  So just enjoy the experience and fun you had.  This movie makes you feel good and bad at the same time.  So forget your shame and just enjoy it.  I Pay For It So You Don’t Have To!

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