Archive for August, 2014


I’m currently sitting in a rain delay waiting for the Braves and Nationals game to start. Sitting here reminded me that I have TMNT review to write. (Please excuse the more the normal grammar and spelling errors, I’m tying from an iPhone).  This was the hardest movie for me to review because everything I hated about it turned into liking about it.  So yes spoilers will be involved.

All in all I enjoyed the movie but it is not a good movie by any means.  It just awakened the 7-12 year old Jason and stuffed so much Turtle Power down my movie watching throat until I was brainwashed into liking it.  Here is a list of things I hated that eventually won me over:

1. The turtles being HUGE and not average height or shorter.

I hated this because here is no such thing as 6 feet plus ninjas, they couldn’t be stealth and everyone would see them.  But I was won over when they made them SUPER strong and just pure destructive.  Yes they had stealth moments but once in the light they fucked some shit up ( Thank you Michael Bay).

2.  Is this office space because they sure do have a lot of flair.

I had a problem with all the extra the turtles were packing.  Calm down ladies I just mean that the turtles all had their very own individual look beside their color coordinated mask bandanas.  Leo is dressed like a samurai with New York hint. Ralph could be a bad boy biker, Mikey straight hippie surfer teen, and Donnie your standard geeky/ nerd cliche.   This all worked because it fit their personalities but on a deeper level most brothers are completely different and want to forge their own identity outside of what their brothers are.  The extra personality is a good change that makes each character a bit more interesting.

3.  How Splinter learned ninjutsu and thus how the turtles learned to fight.

A fucking BOOK! You have to be kidding me.  These bad ass Mutated animals were taught how to whip ass by a disregarded ninjutsu book in the sewer.  Then I brought into it because these turtles were sloppy and really not that good of fighters.  It made them vulnerable, but what they lacked in skill was made up by pure brutal strength and force.

4.  The Shredder!!!!

He didn’t do much but put on a suit of robotic armor and be a bad ass.  Shredder the guy I know has real issues and in himself was a very deep and fleshed out character.  Here he was nothin more than a reason to beat the crap out of the turtles.  This again I hated but accepted because this movie is about the Turtles and their growth and adaption into society and another reason I accepted this I will reveal later.

These things are the bulk of the movie but again the despicable Bay force fed me this until I tapped out and accepted it as what it is.  Yet here were other things that I simple couldn’t accept that left me hanging.

1.  April O’neil’s dumb ass connection to the turtles.

You should have stuck to the aliens rather than mutants idea Bay because this idea of connecting April and the Turtles was just terrible.

2.  The Shredder and Splinter having no connection

This relationship is what the whole Series is built on.  Either go with Shredder killing Splinter’s master and the pet rat becoming mutated or go with Shredder killing Splinters family and eventually being mutated, either way create some way they are connected and make it work.  This also why I didn’t have a problem with the Shredder having no personality because there was no back story to connect to that would need Shredder to be more than a brute.

3.  No emotional connection to the turtles.

It’s a Michael Bay film so as you expected no emotional or character development.  We are invested because of our inner child not because we give a shit about THESE  turtles. I never on e felt bad or invested into the happenings of the turtles and their father Splinter no matter how many times they yell or scream with emotion.  I was just waiting for the next funny line or kick ass action sequence.

All in all if you can deal with the below average was of this movie and let your inner child come out and suspend your inner common sense and storytelling knowledge you will enjoy this film.  This movie is like having a one night stand and trying to make it work to not feel slutty. In the end you accept you and the girl are sluts.  So just enjoy the experience and fun you had.  This movie makes you feel good and bad at the same time.  So forget your shame and just enjoy it.  I Pay For It So You Don’t Have To!

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Star Lord

Gamora

Drax The Destroyer

Groot

Rocket

These are the Guardians of the Galaxy, and James Gunn has crafted an amazing movie.

Thanos

The Kree

Nova Corps

Marvel Phase 3

These things are in Guardians, and if Captain America changed the landscape of the Marvel Film Universe, then Guardians of the Galaxy gives us our first taste of Phase 3.  That taste was delicious too.

Everyone was worried about how this will work, because it is not the typical Marvel Film Universe…  Film.  Well it worked perfectly!  This movie benefits from the fact it doesn’t have to play by the rules of what the Avengers have set.  This movie fully knows what and who it is and it bathes in that glory.

This movie is funny, goofy, action packed, and character developed to the max.  Rocket Raccon is the star of the show and if I didn’t already know that Bradley “I made to many Hangover Movies” Cooper was the voice for Rocket I would have never guessed it.  He sounds nothing like himself.  Star-Lord is the leader that nobody wants but what this group needs.  Every character gets their time to shine.  Granted I think Drax was a bit rolled over because of how awesome the rest of the team is.

Hands down this movie has the best comic book movie soundtrack EVER!!!  The songs add a certain clever goofiness about the movie that I think everyone will enjoy.  The action scenes are thrilling and fun, but they also have the impact that wil shape the Marvel Universe going forward.

This movie finally gives us the bigger universe that was hinted at in The Avengers, especially with the Thanos ending scene appearance in the Avengers.  We get a bit of explanation about the Infinity Gems, and if you look very closely you can see other items from other movies, that gives us a clearer scoop of the Marvel Universe.

It is so much about this movie I can’t wait to talk about with my friends, but I don’t want to spoil anything (Rico you would be proud).  Now the after credit scene was PERFECT to me.  Now the crowd I was with was tremendously let down, because you got so many nuggets in the movie that everyone expected something Earth, or rather Terra shattering.  Instead you get something FUN, just like this movie is, fun and oddball off beat for a Marvel movie.  So it is fitting that the after cred is just that.  Go in with an open mind and enjoy the craziness that James Gunn has crafted.  This movie has me “Hooked on a Feeling”  and I will have to put Guardians in  my top 5 Marvel movies (Capt 2, Iron Man, X-Men 2, SpiderMan 2, and now The Guardians of the Galaxy I exclude the Avengers, because its a mash up/crossover).

Only thing that could have made this movie better is if it had Adam Warlock in it.  I know I’m jumping the Gunn, but bring on Marvel Phase 3, i can’t wait for Tony Starks and Peter “Star-Lord” Quill to ham it up and one up each other on scene, Groot vs Hulk, Rocket vs Thor, Gamora vs Widow/Hawkeye, and Drax vs Capt.  The possibilities are endless and Guardians of the Galaxy has shown us that the Marvel Universe is too.

I Pay For It So You Don’t Have To!

Written By:

Jason "Big J" Allen  @UnsportsmenBigJ

Jason “Big J” Allen
@UnsportsmenBigJ

If you like more Man Geek Stuff follow me @UnsportsmenBigJ

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