By: Jessica “Wolfe Wolfe” Wolfe

Let’s face it, Fantasy Football boils down to luck.  Even the most knowledgeable football fan can’t predict it perfectly.  There are too many factors – unpredicted injuries, quarterback starts to favor the tight end instead of the star running back or God forbid, you get caught up at work and forget to set your line up.  There is though, one thing you CAN and MUST control – not having a CRAPPY FANTASY FOOTBALL TEAM NAME.  Here’s some ways to make sure even if your team sucks, your team name doesn’t:

  1. If you just googled “funny fantasy football team name” – your name sucks. We’ve all heard “Touchdown There” and “Make it Wayne”.
  2. If you’re going to reference sports news – make it recent sports news. “Jerry’s Kids” is last year’s news (So last year’s news that some of you have already forgotten about PSU’s little shower scandal).  “Murnandez” is this year’s news.
  3. Do not, I repeat DO NOT, pay homage to your favorite NFL team.  Why you ask?  Because when you name your team “The Dirty Birdz” I know I can draft Mattie Ice and use him as leverage in a trade to get that star running back that no one in their right mind would trade.  All because you are a die hard Falcons fan.  Way to go Ace, you just traded your first round pick for a quarterback (a position you shouldn’t be drafting until at least the 5th round this year).
  4. Do feel free to make fun of your opponents and talk smack.  You can even change your name weekly to do so.  Does he have a hot mom?  Use it! (Jason’s  Mom Got It Going On; 2-minute drill in Ur Mom; I want to Bang Ms. Thomas).  Is he 0-7?  Use it! (No Wins, No Cry; Activate the Mercy Rule; Automatic Victory).  Did his TE just get convicted of murder and released from the team?  Use it! (insert all Hernandez jokes; Guns hide in Ponds; Where’s Zombie Johnnie Cochran).
  5. Be aware of who is in your league.  If you are playing with a bunch of dudes, restaurant employees, or just highly inappropriate people, sexual innuendoes are hilarious (She gives Woodhead; 2inches Flacco, 4 inches Huard; Percy Whipped; [extra credit if the player is on your team]).  If this is the first time in your girlfriend’s family’s fantasy league, sexual innuendoes makes Thanksgiving Dinner very awkward.

Bonus Points! – Bonus Points if your league makes the worst scoring team change their name to a Name of Shame every week.

So get out there, score big in your draft, and even if you accomplish nothing else this season, have a great team name.

Jessica “Wolfe Wolfe” Wolfe

If you want real fantasy football advice check out Fantasy Furnace    @fantasyfurnace

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