I wanted to give Tiger Woods the chance to have the Blackest article written about him so I was inspired by The Blueprint Album by Jay-Z, because I think he is the blueprint for success in golf.

“T iz I G to the E R”, started playing at 2 and was whipping his Daddy by 11.  In Stanford they (a Native American teammate) nicknamed him “Urkel”.  You know it’s bad when another race nicknames you a lame brotha from tv (shout out to Jaleel White).  Yet “Tiger, Tiger, that ninja Tiger” only wanted to be a Champion.

“Hola Tigvito, that’s what they yelling when he walks the green with his people”, Tiger won his first pro tournament in 1997 the Masters.  It should have been all love, but Fuzzy Zoeller let it be known that we will serve Fried Chicken and Collard Greens now.  Tiger realized “Aint No Love in the heart of the PGA”.  “First a Cablinasian (black dude) wins a major and everyday Fuzzy wakes up and nobody even remembers his name.”

“The Takeover breaks over homie” Tiger moved the community and brought other races to Golf and finally made the world tune in for every event.  During his reign, Tiger won the Grand Slam, at one point he won six consecutive tournaments, in 2006 he had 12 major wins.  Tiger had a streak of 264 weeks at number #1 (that’s over 5 years), the pinnacle was in 2008 he won the U.S. Open on one leg.

“I’ll never change, this Eldrick Woods everyday” with this dominance they couldn’t attack his game so they attacked his behavior, and changed the game to stop him.  They went after his cursing on the course and slamming of his clubs when he hit a bad shot.  Tiger Proofing was next, where they added yardage to the tee, to stop long hitters like Tiger.  Why?  Because there was nothing else, “All Tiger needs. I got my endorsements. Check (GM, Nike, Titleist, General Mills, American Express, Accenture, Gatorade, Gillette, TAG Heuer, EA Sports, and Buick), my family life is looking good. Check.  Until…

We discovered that Tiger loves “Girls, Girls, Girls, Girls. Girls all over the world (except the sistas either they kept quiet or Tiger didn’t have none). Leave a message on your machine because I would love to mate you, especially when I’m back in town.”

“I can’t see them coming down my eyes but I got to make the apology cry.”  After the incident (SUV+golf club=Trouble) and impending divorce Tiger had a closed media apologies where he got off easy.  Everything that Tiger had or needed started to vanish.  He lost endorsements, but Nike and EA Sports stayed with him.

“Renegade! never be afraid to say what’s on my mind at any given time or day” Tiger took to rocking the Goatee, wearing all black, like he was Darth Vader.  Tiger’s return also had the masses saying “You don’t know, what your doing, doing, doing.”  He fired his longtime Caddy Steve “Black Ass stating” Williams, and hired his friend Bryon Bell.  He got a new swing coach and went away from the swing that had the Nation fist pumping.

“But in these times it seems to me there’s a lot of golfers out there that want to win like T. Woods.”  People have tried to put Rory Mcllory, Dustin Johnson, and others, as the next Tiger but we are patiently waiting for when “The Rulers Back”.


– Jason